As Will and Erin's mom, this past week as been the most challenging one for me. I've experienced extreme joy, happiness and pride with Erin. I am watching her begin to do things that 'normal' babies do. She is mostly breathing on her own, drinking bottles, sucking her thumb, wearing clothes and can be picked up/held whenever we want to. I am starting to vision our life with her at home, which could happen within the month. I won't have the nurses around to help me or answer my questions. I am starting to get that fear and excitement that a new mom has about taking their baby home from the hospital.
At the exact same time, I have shed many, many tears at the pain that poor Will is experiencing (I am starting to tear up now, as a I type.) I've never considered myself a 'crier,' but these past few days have been different. It is difficult to see him lying in bed so sick and totally helpless. He can't wear clothes because the nurses need to monitor his breathing, puffiness, and incision. We cannot hold him unless he is doing well and a nurse is there to help us. Even then, there is no guarantee that Will will cooperate and let us hold him. Sometimes his stats drop and he needs to be returned to bed. I've watched him have countless IV's in his head (he has one there right now) along with his hands, arms and feet. He has had patches of his hair shaved off. My sweet, innocent baby boy is missing his beautiful, soft hair. When we go into his room, we must wear a gown and rubber gloves because he is in isolation as a result of an infection he had a month ago. Because of this, I don't get to touch his soft skin. He doesn't know my touch because we all feel the same with gloves on. We sit by his bedside waiting for him to open his eyes and when he does it is the best feeling. A feeling that I struggle to put into words. When he looks at me I feel like everything is going to be okay, even though I don't know if it is. We have no idea when Will will come home. I cry when I think about the day that I get to take Erin home and he is left there all by himself. A part of our family will be missing.
Please continue to pray for us.
I am so sorry that you are having a hard week with Will. Even though you can't always hold or touch Will, he knows you are there and senses your presence. You are an amazing mom!!
ReplyDeleteIt is tough to leave one twin in the hospital and take the other one home. I remember crying everyday that M would come home and we would leave B behind.....it is just heart breaking. At the same time, please remember all the love and attention Will is getting at the hospital. The nurses take amazing care of the babies and they'll continue to do the same for Will. Hugs!!
Oh Julie! It is such a mixed set of emotions you have going and I can only imagine how difficult it is. I will continue to pray for all of you. Hang in there and know that many, many people are praying! Give me a call if you need to talk. I am home, freezing my buns off, but I am here!
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